I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
