I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
