there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
