I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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