These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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