It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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