Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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