No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
