In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
