Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
