Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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