Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
