He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
