im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
