Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
