saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
