From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
