Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you had me at cake vodka
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
