Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
