alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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