So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
