Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
