He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
