i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
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I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
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Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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