he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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