this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
