I'm lost and stupid without you.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
