If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
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Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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