I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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