I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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