how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
COCAINE IS GR8
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
