and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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