I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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