Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
