There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
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How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
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I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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