He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
