the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
