I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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