I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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