I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
