Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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