I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
