a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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