i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
