Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
