the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
