Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
