I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize