Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
