who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore