I just made out with a guy for $7.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back