dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
