I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
