why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
