I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
