i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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