I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
