just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.