Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago