she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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