You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?