hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
im six kinds of drunk right now
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
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the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
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Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...