My sheets look like a crime scene.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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