Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
