is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
