Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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