I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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