i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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