nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
