Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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