i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
